hello again. let's have a coffee date

   Well hi there. It's been a long time. Well over a month, actually. I've missed this place, but being gone for a while has been necessary. This season has been the busiest of our life as the Beckwiths thus far, and I needed simplicity while in the throes of it. Something had to be taken off my plate, so I quietly let blogging and writing fall away for a time.    It's almost over though. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And soon I'll be able to tell you exactly what has kept us so busy. Not today though. Today I'll have to leave out that part of life lately. Today, let's just catch up on where our hearts are.    I was afraid of this busy-ness. I was really quite anxious all the stress would lead to disconnect in our marriage, that it would hurt us, that we would have a really, really hard time. But we really have found a whole new level of connection. Of supporting each other. Of making decisions together and taking risks together. We've grown stronger and closer instead of further apart. And if we were on a real coffee date, I would probably shed a few tears over how much I truly love that man I married over a year ago now, and how grateful I am for him to be my partner in life.    This season has made me so thankful for friendships and more frequent chances to see my closest friends. For a long time I really didn't socialize much at all, and although I'm introverted, it was still hard. And now I'm getting to see my people more. My tribe more. And I'm so thankful that I have those people in my life and that the friendships and love didn't fade over time.    I would probably tell you what the source of the busy has been, but swear you to secrecy until further notice. But don't worry, the secret won't be a secret much longer. And I would tell you how great it feels to finally be seeing the calender clear, the dust settle, and the end of the crazy time is so close I can actually pinpoint when it will finally be here, as opposed to the uncertainty of the last few weeks. Faith and spirituality would probably come up, and I would be really honest and tell you I haven't been feeling it much lately. It's been a dry spell. I'm unmotivated to dive into it, I'm not sure how this happened or when or why, but I've hit a point of just feeling...uninterested. And I would ask you if you've hit this point before, and if you got over it, and how you did. I would also tell you I've decided to take the next few years to get into the best shape I can. I would tell you I'm really afraid of this. I would tell you fitness has never been something I've been good at. I always thought I just couldn't be one of those people. But I've decided to cultivate these habits now so that when we are ready to expand our family I'll be the healthiest I can be, and I'll be able to teach my children the value of their bodies and their health. And I would ask you to help me out, to keep me accountable, and to remind me of these goals.    So what would you tell me if we sat down to catch up over coffee? And do you have any advice for me?

in which i brag about my husband

Once upon a time I didn't believe in marriage so I broke up with a boy I loved who loved me back.
And now that boy is a man and I call him husband.
Let me just talk about him for a minute. Okay, an entire post.
He works full time and often piles on overtime too. While he's not working, he's usually studying hard  and working towards his master's degree in Nursing. He's incredible. He also cleans the house when I'm away for a few days even if it is finals week, takes me out on fun dates, and ensures our life together is full of laughter and joy.
The last two semesters have been intense. He's been working so much, and adjusting to having a wife. Plus he moved. Twice.
And yet, he still made all A's this semester, all while working to pay for our basics and our fun, saving for our future, getting ready for a great Christmas, and going on vacation for our anniversary.
His classes are hard. No. Hard is the wrong word. They're ridiculous. Medical degrees are some of the toughest to earn. Every piece of information he ever learns absolutely must stay in his head because he never knows when a patient's life may depend on that one thing they covered one day in half a lecture. He can never really "just get by" in school. He has to be all in, all the time.
And he is. Always. He's all in at work with his current patients. He's all in at school giving it his best. He's all in in our marriage.
My husband is an all in kind of guy. If he's going to commit to something, he's doing it with everything in him. He doesn't do halfhearted. He doesn't do minimal effort. He gives all of himself all the time. Good isn't enough. His best is all that will do, and even then he wants to make his best even better. 
And he picked me. Out of every girl that ever existed in all the world, somehow I'm the one he chose. I get to cheer him on in all he does. I get to be cheered on by him in all I do. I get his hugs (which by the way are the greatest hugs in the world).  I get to hear him be shocked by his grades. I get to celebrate the successes, big and small, with him. I get to spoil the heck out of him at Christmas because he has earned it and so much more.
I get to be his wife. He's the most incredible man I know. And I'll never tire of celebrating life with him and being part of all of his successes.

thank you, husband. a letter

    Dear Drew,    You inspire me every day. The way you love me with every ounce of you, wanting to fill me with joy more than anything else. The way you devote yourself to providing for us now and in the future. The way you care for your patients and their families above and beyond what your actual duties are. The way you study so hard so that you can finish grad school even sooner for us.     Your selflessness dazzles me. You sacrifice time and energy for those you love, especially me. Not a day goes by that I'm not in awe of the fact that I am the one you chose to spend your life with, that I'm the one who benefits most from your giving nature.    I love the sound of your laugh. I especially love when I'm the cause of that laughter. I love to bring you joy, to see that smile that consumes your entire face. Seeing that smile is the highlight of my day.    When we said I do, you vowed to "always hold {me} as {your} standard of beauty, ever changing as we change." You've kept that promise so well, even when you didn't love it when I cut my hair short the first moment you saw it. The next day, you were noting how the texture of my hair was so highlighted by the angles. When I worry about my size, you remind me exactly how beautiful and desirable you find me. I always know by your touch that I truly am the most beautiful woman in the world to you.     There aren't enough words to describe just how grateful I am for you. But I am. So deeply, truly, wholly thankful that you are my husband and that I get to spend all of my days loving you, supporting you, serving you, and making you smile.     I will never stop loving you for the rest of my days.     Love, Kaitie.

simple moments last the longest

I've been in love with the same boy since I was seventeen years old. Yes, there were some interruptions along the way during which we weren't exactly speaking and the love wasn't shown. Still, it's been there since our senior year of high school, only growing more over time. On Friday we went to look for new bedding. I've always loved crisp white linens and bedspreads, but the boy I've loved since I was seventeen finds white to be too cold, too stiff. As though a chambermaid may enter our home and ask him if he would like his linens starched today. He also hates how easily white becomes less white. If it is to be white, it must be clean. When we started the search for this new, not cold, not white bedding, it was frustrating. He's a bit colorblind, so some of the colors I gravitated towards just looked like an odd muddy tone that wasn't appealing in the least. The ones he saw with clarity were on bedspreads fit for a bachelor, and I used my veto on those, since neither of us is, in fact, a bachelor. Friday proved unsuccessful. That is, if success meant coming home with new bedding. As we walked into Target laughing together and enjoying the slowness of a day off together gracefully turning to night, I reached out to hold his hand. As his fingers made there way through mine until they were perfectly intertwined, my heart did a little flutter. "I still love holding your hand just as much as I did when I was seventeen," I told him. The little smile, that slight turn upwards of the corner of his mouth, the quiet creasing of his stubbly cheek as his muscles involuntarily responded with pleasure said so much in the silence. His grin, the same grin of the boy of seventeen, spoke the words that have no letters. Those little moments, the small ones, the ones you might think hold no weight? Those are the moments to treasure. Those are the moments to remember when you're exhausted and angry and all the wrong words have come out and nothing seems right anymore. Those are the moments to revel in on slow Monday mornings over coffee in your softest robe. Those small insignificant moments of peace and bliss and the butterflies all over again...those are the ones that last the longest. Hold them tightly, like you're seventeen and in love and don't care who knows. It's the simple ones that a life well lived is built on.

reflections, renewal, and restored faith

Jenna | Lauren | Jessa | Me | Madison | Jenni | Rachel | Kristen | Robyn

The last seven days have been a whirlwind of experiences and emotions and answered prayers. From spending a weekend with 14 other women, 13 of whom I knew so well here but never met in real life, to starting a new job that was exactly what I have been praying for for so long, to seeing an old friend and talking for hours, to spending great quality time with my husband who I've hardly seen over the last two weeks. I really couldn't find words this week. I was too full of them to find the right ones.
I really still don't know which words are right. There are so many. All good...none quite right.
Just a year ago if you had told me I would sign up voluntarily to spend three days in a cabin full of strangers I probably would have vomited out of shear anxiety. Being an introvert who has always been very shy, the Renew Retreat was a serious accomplishment, and a major step outside of my comfort zone. 
And I loved every second of it. The first five minutes were a little odd because hello, these are my friends behind the screen and I know what you look like because I see your photos on your blog, but oh my gosh I can reach out and touch you and you're real. But then it felt more like a reunion than an introduction. Madison and I had met in real life, so she walked outside to greet Robyn and me, and instantly started making fun of me once I opened the car door. No worries--that's how we know we like each other a lot. You're not real friends if you can't laugh at each other. Amy also ran out to assist in the re-parking of my ill arranged car...this help was much appreciated as I find parking to be quite the stressful endeavor.
Then we ate. And talked. And played. Slept, woke up to coffee and Jesus, and then talked more. So many amazing conversations, and very deep for eight in the morning. Then we went into Gatlinburg for a few hours, split into groups who were interested in doing other things. Madison, Robyn, Lauren, Jenna, Kristen, and Bailey and I went to Mellow Mushroom because once Madison said it nothing else would do. We did some shopping, tried local culinary samples...they're free, how do you say no to that? Then we went and took pictures in a field on top of a mountain and laughed and loved on each other and talked more.
Dinner was again wonderful. Conversations after were even better. Sunday morning waking up to everyone leaving was so sad. How do you part with friends wondering if you'll ever get that chance again? But I was still very full of joy. I felt like I had found my people. These women got me. We got each other. It was a reunion of kindred spirits, and I don't know that I'll ever experience anything quite like it again.
Monday I started my new job. Training for two days was intense but wonderful and I loved it and was so excited about everything I was going to be doing. Wednesday morning I woke up and set up my home office to accommodate my new work-from-home life. And then I got to work. Thursday I woke up early because it was Drew's work day, did some laundry, went to work still in my pajamas because all my pants were in the laundry, cleaned my house, did more work, finally put on clothes, worked more, and then got to see a friend from high school and spend several hours just talking away.
We had an incredible high school experience. Our core group of friends did everything together. Logan and I reminisced on lake days all summer long at my house, game nights and Christmas parties at hers, and the countless girls nights and tailgating parties for football games. She and I talked about how unique our experience was and how amazing it was that we had that support system through everything. Then we talked about future babies and buying houses and what a shock to the system marriage is. And then freaked out a bit over how fast the time has gone and how strange it is that we're now having serious discussions of when we might become mommies and when we'll be homeowners and how great our husbands are. Hi Logan! I found out yesterday she actually reads my blog fairly regularly so I'm sure she's reading this and laughing right now.
Spending time with Drew is my favorite thing in the world. I married my very best friend, and while it isn't always easy and we don't always like each other, I never get tired of seeing him when I wake up or holding his hand as I fall asleep. I never stop loving laying my head on his chest and hearing his heart beat. I never say no to random trips to Target or Walmart late at night because we need a Swiffer and a new movie, and while we're there playing with the shopping carts like little kids. Laughing until my face hurts and I'm in very real danger of wetting my pants with the man I love never gets old. This weekend I have three whole days of that, uninterrupted, and I couldn't be more excited. Five days away was too many.
Basically, this week has been overwhelming in its beauty. I prayed for years that I would find my people, people who got me on a soul level. I found that. I prayed for a job that would allow me to work from home and have flexibility and work for my unique personality, and I found that. Seeing old friends is always so great and hearing about where they're at in life is heartwarming. Time with my husband is more precious than anything in the world.
And in all of these moments, big and small, I found evidence of the goodness of the Lord and how much attention he truly pays to the desires of our hearts. In ever second of bliss I remember what is so easy to forget in heartache: He is there, He is listening, and He will never fail to show up exactly when and how we need Him.

a proposal story

One year ago today, I was annoyed because I was eleven days away from moving to a brand new city for my boyfriend, who I thought was going to propose before the move but my mom had just informed me he hadn't even asked my dad yet, which he knew was kind of a big deal to me. I had just taken off my nail polish and didn't bother to repaint, despite having been keeping my nails pristine for three weeks because I knew the proposal was coming.

One year ago today, my parents were supposed to take me to my favorite sushi restaurant at 6 to celebrate my move and new job. My dad took a phone call and walked out the garage at 5:50 and I became extra annoyed because, dang it, I wasn't getting engaged like I thought, I had to move to a new city I didn't know anything about, and now we were going to be late? 
And at 6:05 pm on Tuesday, September 24, 2013, my dad came back around to the front door...accompanied by a strange man in a suit. And then I was annoyed and anxious because a stranger in a suit at your door is never a good thing.
But then I realized everyone was smiling. And my mom looked a little teary-eyed. And my dad had a brown envelope in his hand.
Dad handed me that envelope and said, "We aren't going to sushi tonight, and you need to read this letter from Drew."

And then I got so excited and nervous I started to have a panic attack. I read the letter, realized I was getting engaged, and shouted, "HOLY S*** BUT IT'S A TUESDAY!" followed by, "oh my gosh don't tell anyone I said that, I can't believe I just swore...you shouldn't swear when you're getting engaged...I am getting engaged right? Wait, so we aren't going to sushi...and he said go where we first met, so I guess we all have to go to the high school!"
My mom laughed and informed me that no, in fact, we were not all going to the high school, as this was my proposal and they already said yes to theirs. She asked if I wanted to change, and I ran to put on contacts and heels.
I know I was crazy excited because I look at that outfit and remember how much I didn't even like those shoes and wish I would've worn my favorite boots instead.

My nails might have been a wreck, but dang, I was having a good hair day!

So, as it turns out, the stranger in the suit was actually a driver whom Drew had hired for the night. His initial plan was to have me drive to each location and receive a letter there from an employee, but realized that was a terrible plan as my driving skills would at best be questionable at that level of emotional overload. He hired a driver, who had all the letters with him...which I didn't realize at first. Letter 1: Dear Kaitie, You're not going out with your parents tonight, you are going on a journey, a journey to the places that I hold dear in my heart, because they are places where we saw our love grow and led us to this night. After tonight, our lives will be changed forever. You are the love of my life, and I can't believe how blessed I am to have you in my life. Tonight is six years in the making. The first place I want you to go is the first place I ever saw you. The first place I ever met you. Hint: Te amo. Tell the driver where to take you, then when you get to each place, I'll give you the next hint. Have fun and don't keep me waiting too long. I'm waiting for you. I love you, Drew.
The first clue sent me to Pendleton High School, where we first met, in 3rd period Spanish taught by Mrs. Covar. I was unaware at this point that the driver had the clues, and that drivers open your door for you, so I slung my door wide open, and pretty much ran into the school, where I found our old vice principal, Mrs. Morton, and after a five second catch-up conversation on how I was doing and how my family was, I blurted  out, "Remember Drew?? Well we got back together and it's a long story but I'm in the middle of a scavenger hunt proposal and I think he hid my next clue in Mrs. Covar's classroom, so can you unlock it for me?"
So Mrs. Morton helped me spend about twenty minutes tearing that classroom apart, and when no clue appeared, I went to tell the driver it was going to take a little longer and could he please call Drew and apologize because I got so excited I left my phone at home. He laughed really hard and handed me the letter containing clue #2. I waved to Mrs. Morton to show her my driver had the clue, and then tore it open. As it turns out, Mrs. Covar was retired. So I tore the desks (including the teacher's desk) and cabinets and books all up in my search in some random teacher's classroom. Whoops. Letter #2 Kaitie, You're at our high school, the place where I saw you for the first time. It was the class I knew I wasn't going to enjoy, that class, but I saw the live of my life for the first time that day. You were sitting across the room, and you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. If I knew then I was about to meet the woman I would fall in love with, and spend the rest of my life with, I would have been convinced I was dreaming, and I would never have believed someone so beautiful would even give me the time of day. It is so amazing how God was working in that moment. How you went from California to New York, to Liberty, and finally Pendleton of all places; it was all leading you to this night. I cannot believe how amazing God is to let me know you, but he let me call you mine, and that is something I've dreamed about since that first time I saw you. I want you to go to the place of our first date. Hint: I hear they have "royal" popcorn! I love you, Drew
Clue #2 told me to go to where we had our first date, which was one of the movie theaters in our town (Regal Starlight...now you get the hint). I didn't know it was a date until a whole year after. We went to see Beowulf for extra credit for English. Did you know that when a 16 year old boy asks you to see a movie for school, picks you up in his car, and pays, it's a date, and not actually for school?? Yeah, me neither. At this point I still didn't fully grasp the part about how my driver had the clues, so I still jumped out of the car to go find a letter but the driver managed to stop me before I got to the ticket counter.
Dear Kaitie, I remember back to 11th grade, I shared English with you and we got extra credit for seeing the movie Beowulf. Somehow I was able to ask you to go with me. I was so nervous that day I changed shirts like three times and was terrified, it was the first date I had ever been on, and you were the most beautiful girl in school. I picked you up and we went to Regal Cinema. I can still remember the way your perfume filled up my car. You smelled amazing and I can remember it like it was yesterday. We got to the movies and took our seats. During the movie your hand touched mine, and somehow I built up the courage to hold your hand. It was such an amazing feeling. Your hand fits perfectly in mine, like it was made for mine. I want to hold your hand for the rest of my life. I want to get dressed up and take you on dates for the rest of my life. I still get that excited nervousness every time I pick you up for a dtate. I know that's God's way of telling me I'm with the person I'm going to never get tired of taking on dates. I want you to go to the place where I kissed you for the first time. Hint: you said I was a gentleman. I love you,  Drew. Clue #3 told me to go to where we had our first kiss. It was a whole year after our first "date" (how did I not know that was a date??) and it was our third date this time around. We had such a good time together, and got in the car to take me back to my house, and before turning the engine on, Drew looked at me very nervously and asked if he could kiss me. I said yes. It was the sweetest moment of my high school life. He asked again for the second kiss, at a stop sign right before the street my parents live on. Every time we stop at that sign to this day we kiss.
Dear Kaitie. It's been years since we actually went to the bowling alley, but I will always remember this place as the spot of our first kiss. It was 5 years ago and after a night of spending time with the most amazing girl evver, I looked into your eyes and asked you if I could kiss you. We were sitting in this very parking lot. I kissed your lips and it was better than I could ever imagine. I hadn't told you then, but I loved you then. We have been through so much since then and I cannot believe how much I love you now. I have no doubt that I'm going to spend the rest of m life with you. You're the first girl I've ever kissed and you're going to be the last. I also remember our last first kiss. In my room, not that long ago, I kissed your lips with you in my arms. It was so special, because I knew I had just kissed the woman God had brought into my life that I would soon vow to be my wife and spend the rest of my life loving and serving. I want you to go to the place where we went after our last first date. Hint: the ducks may be waiting. I love you, Drew. Clue #4 told me to go to where we had our most recent first date. He took me out to a really great dinner, and then we went to the Civic Center to walk around the duck pond, and talked there for hours and hours. When I got home, I told my mom I had just gone on my last first date. And she said, "I know."

"This is the SPOT!"

Letter #5 Dear Kaitie, This is the place we went after our last first date. We came here after an amazing dinner and we walked and I held your hand. I remember the flowery dress you were wearing, I remember your amazing scent, and I remember you looked more beautiful in that moment than I've ever seen you until that time. Two years had passed, and it was like no time had gone by. We were still the same people, but different, because we were both saved by an amazing Savior. Jesus saved me, then he saved you, and brought us together in His time, the perfect time. I will always remember you pulling me into the most amazing hug. That night was perfect. It's why I wanted to finish this night here. Come out to the shelter where we had our bible study. Where we learned what it means to be man and woman, husband and wife, in God's eyes. I'm waiting for you. Drew. The fifth letter was handed to me as soon as we parked at the civic center. I read it, started crying, and got out of the car and began to walk towards the gazebo I knew he would be waiting at. When it came into sight, I saw him standing below it, and I ran to Drew. 
He got down on one knee and gave the sweetest speech I've ever heard, and coincidentally the sweetest speech I've ever forgotten in its entirety, and said, "Kaitlin Rose Diffenderfer, will you marry me?" And I'm told I said yes but I'm fairly certain all I did was laugh. cry, and stick my hand out for the ring.

Then some guy wearing workout clothes started getting way too close to us and I kind of panicked again, but it turned out to be Drew's friend who was taking pictures the whole time and had been dressed like the runners who frequent the park and stayed distant so I wouldn't notice him.
We went back to my parents house (everyone had been so sneaky--Drew's car was already back there, he'd been waiting a few streets away for my dad to text and say we were gone so he could drop the car off and ride with his friend to the final destination) and I was greeted with the final surprise of the night. My parents had gone to my favorite sushi place and gotten all my favorite things off the menu, gone to Publix and had my favorite cake made, and had flowers and a lovely framed sign for us to put in our new house. Mom gave me a wedding planning binder she had picked up the day after Drew asked them. He had done that three weeks earlier, and the day after, my mom was so afraid she would let it slip, she and dad took off for an impromptu weekend getaway so she wouldn't see me and accidentally spill.

That night was one of the greatest nights of my entire life. I cannot believe how lucky I am that I married my high school sweetheart, who is the most thoughtful, generous, kind, strong, and faithful man around. 
And then we planned our wedding in precisely 100 days.
How did your man ask? Do you remember what you said? You can see our love story here.

this is not the honeymoon stage.

Don't let the title fool you. I'm so very happy I married Drew and I love him more now than I did on January 4th when we said our vows.
But this isn't the honeymoon stage.
So many times when people ask how long we've been married and I respond "a little over 8 months," they always say, "Oh, you guys are still on your honeymoon!" And I laugh a little but inside, I'm thinking, no, we aren't.
Our first 8 months have been full of happy memories. But it has also been an enormous learning curve. And when two people are learning a lot and going through many life changes all at once, it's rough. There are 2 a.m. fights. There are tears. There is exasperation. There is frustration and confusion. But there is grace. Oh, so much grace.
Getting married is no joke. And the honeymoon stage for us was on our honeymoon. Barely even then. Our first fight was on our wedding night, because I was very sick and Drew wanted to go to the hospital but I wanted to go to sleep so I could wake up better and go on our honeymoon. I won that one, and we had a great trip even though I had no voice and a terrible cough that lasted over a month.

Moving in together and learning to share space and make decisions together was so difficult. Sharing a bed for the first time in my life was awful. I didn't sleep well for the first two months and I was so frustrated every night and every morning because I couldn't get comfortable, I wasn't getting enough covers, he was so hot in his sleep, and he took up the whole bed. And not sleeping makes me beyond irritable. We struggled. A lot.
I came into marriage with serious intimacy issues. I struggled to be my most vulnerable. I struggled to relax. I struggled to be physically intimate. It did not come naturally. Vulnerability and intimacy are so necessary in marriage, and yet I was unwilling to give them readily. And Drew needed that from me, and was hurt by my reluctance to let him in. So we struggled.
Then, after two months of sharing an apartment, we found out our lease had been misfiled and we had to move. Throw finding a new place to live in a hurry on top of not sleeping well, not being used to sharing space, and not being used to having to make decisions with another person and not on your own, and you're in for it. Then the actual move happened, and one of our cars completely died and needed to be replaced immediately but we had to take on a car payment to do so and neither one of us wanted that debt, and packing and unpacking and money and navigating the new space and setting it up...we struggled some more.

During this time, Drew was also in a stressful point in grad school and had to drop a class so that he would be able to do well in school as well as manage all the crazy things happening in our daily life. He was stressed about school, I didn't understand how much pressure he felt between classes and work, and expected a lot more romance than I was actually getting, and we struggled even more.
Suddenly summer was here. I hate summer heat. I don't do well in it, it makes me sick frequently, and I now live in the hottest part of the state. And I only moved here because I fell in love with a man who had to live here for his job and education. Throw into that an a/c unit that was broken 50% of the time and could never seem to be fixed, and my frustration grew. So we had more struggle.
The first 8 months of marriage were not the honeymoon stage for us. The first year of marriage so far has been hard, hard work. We've had to learn so much so quickly and have had to take on new challenges in very short periods of time.
We've fought in the middle of the night. We've fought first thing in the morning before going to work and had to end the discussion before it was over because we had to go about our days. We have had some really hard days.

All of that said, our marriage is a whole lot deeper now than it would be had we been smooth sailing and on cloud nine for the whole first year. Those middle of the night arguments leaving me thinking "Oh my gosh what did I just sign up for for the rest of my life?" have made everything about our love that much deeper. 
It is so easy to take things in life for granted when you're looking through rose colored glasses. It is so easy to ignore the hard work when you're too focused on bliss. It is so easy to expect perfect joy when you're not facing the hard things.
But when the first year isn't the honeymoon stage you expected, it isn't so easy. However, it is so worth it.
When you've had a terrible fight that has gone on so long you don't even know why you're fighting anymore, but you're still too angry to stop, the intensity with which you just fought will be brought into the intensity with which you love.
When you've broken down crying because there have been one too many road blocks in the way of your plans and you are just too overwhelmed to face anymore, the same tears will be shed in joy when the sun finally comes out, and the tears of joy will come more readily when you remember how much love you feel towards the man you're sleeping next to.
When you've gone through the days of wondering how in the heck you're going to do this forever, your heart will be filled with a much greater love and respect for your husband.
And when marriage has been so much harder than you ever thought it would be in the first year, your understanding of grace and the way God truly loves you is much, much deeper.

God's love is undying. We fight him on it daily. We argue with him, we decide we know better, we pull away, we want to do things our way. We think we can handle it on our own. And he sits there, still loving us, still strong, still constant. He waits for us to remember. He doesn't turn His back. He gives limitless grace, no matter how much we sin against him.
And that's what marriage is like. No matter how bad that fight was, we're still here. No matter how long we've gone without sleep, we're still in this. No matter how long it took me to get comfortable with intimacy and vulnerability, Drew was still vulnerable with me, constantly showing me I was safe with him. No matter how many trials we faced, we were still in it. No matter how much we sinned against each other, we actively chose love and grace. 
Because marriage is but a shadow of the mirror image of God's love for us it was originally meant to be. And we know that God's love is endless. We can test it as much as we want, pull away from it as hard as we can, and he's never going to give up on us. He's never going to turn away. His grace knows no bounds. And with every hurdle we face in marriage, with every tear shed, with every unkind word spoken, we learn more about what true love means. We learn what it means to give and receive grace.
And it's beautiful. When you find boundless grace in your marriage, the love you feel and share grows so much more.
I love Drew more today than I ever did before. And I love him that much more because our honeymoon phase ended with our honeymoon. But I'm so glad it did. If it hadn't, I wouldn't feel so much more love for my Savior. If it hadn't I wouldn't understand so much more of how He loves me. If it hadn't, I wouldn't appreciate the beautiful friendship I now have with my husband or how much grace the Lord gives me.
If our honeymoon stage lasted past our honeymoon, our marriage wouldn't be as strong or deep as it is today, and our faith wouldn't be as deep as it is now.
God gives us so much grace, friends. So much. And I didn't fully realize it until after "I do" became "what did I do?"
So, if you think you're supposed to be on your honeymoon still because it's only the first year, let me be the one to tell you...it's okay that you aren't. It is okay that your marriage is off to a rough start. It is okay that you didn't know what you were getting into. It is okay that it is really hard really early.  This thing we're doing called marriage is no joke. But it is the most beautiful thing we can do because it is teaching us more and more every day just how much the Lord loves us and just how much grace can cover.

Did your first year of marriage go smoothly, or was it like ours has been, rough but still beautiful?

it's a love story...

Seven years ago yesterday, on August 17, 2007, I started my junior year of high school at a brand new school. I was the shyest I had ever been, after spending the first two years of high school barely speaking to anyone and primarily eating lunch with a book in the library. Don't feel bad for me...I really preferred it that way. I was happy to be my introverted self with my favorite books.

Friends from said new school. The other main character in this story is somewhere in here...

However, I wasn't sure how to arrange that at my new school. It seemed like maybe I should take the opportunity to make friends, but I honestly didn't know how to do that. I was always a very serious person. Most high school kids aren't that serious. I was more well read than most others, and have always been able to recall any information I've read on a given subject without warning. My parents call me Britannica, as in the encyclopedia, but most of my peers thought it was weird.
Starting this new school was terrifying. I didn't much like change, and it wasn't like it had been really planned that far out. We had a lake house a few towns over from our farm, and we spent lots of weekends at the lake. One day towards the end of sophomore year, we went to the lake house for the weekend, and never left. It was all quite overwhelming.
That first day though...if I hadn't moved to the lake suddenly, if I hadn't decided to sit with a girl I had met a few weeks before school and her friends, if I hadn't had a love of foreign languages...
On that first day of junior year in Spanish class, a very tall boy came into the room rough housing with a few other boys. One of them pushed him as he neared my seat, and he fell on my desk. Being my shy 16 year old self, I didn't really know what to do. So I said "Oh, I'm sorry." And then felt awkward for apologizing when I wasn't even the one who did anything. I don't remember what his response was. All I remember was being red for about ten minutes with embarrassment for having drawn attention to myself.
That boy and I had a few more classes together, including English. I was, and still am, the biggest English nerd I know, so I hardly focused on anything besides what we were reading in class, but this boy who had fallen on my desk and turned out to be friends with that girl I sat with at lunch so he sat at our table too, was seated beside me in this English class and would occasionally strike up conversation with me.
One of the books we read that year was Beowulf. Most of the guys in class liked it because of the gore. I liked it because...well because it was a book. This was the same year the movie came out, and our teacher told us we would get extra credit for going to the movie. The boy who fell on my desk suggested we go together. I said okay. He picked me up in his car and paid for my ticket.
I didn't realize it was a date. I hadn't really been on those before.

Junior prom...when I turned the boy down. Fun fact, the girl in the center in the blue patterned dress is also married to her high school sweetheart now. She said yes to his prom invite this year.

In fact, I didn't know it was a date for a year. He asked me to junior prom and I said no, and ended up going with someone else. Then, senior year, we started dating...slowly. One day he asked me what had gone wrong on our first date junior year. And I had no idea what he was talking about.

After a long day on the lake senior year

We dated most of senior year. We broke up to go to college. Spring break of our freshman year of college we slowly started to get back together. We broke up the following May. And we didn't speak at all for nearly two years. And I was heartbroken for a long time, even though the breakup was really my fault.

Christmas during sophomore year of college with my family and the boy.

During that first year, right before Christmas, that boy met Jesus. And immediately began to pray for his future wife. Six months later on June 16, 2012, I met Jesus.
Then, on March 24, of 2013, I got a message on Facebook from that boy. 
Have you figured out where this is going yet?
He told me he heard I became a Christian and was shocked. I had always been very vocal about my atheism and my hatred of the church and its exclusive condemning nature towards nonbelievers. But I met a few Christians that had changed my perspective, including my now mentor, who brought me to her church during one of the darkest seasons of my life. And that's where I met Jesus.
During this Facebook chat, he asked for my phone number. I had changed it in the summer of 2012 to remove myself from some really unhealthy friendships. I gave it to him, and we set up a phone call for 9:00 that night.
I was so nervous I almost threw up when the phone finally rang.
We talked for six hours that night. And I don't stay up past 10 hardly ever. But I couldn't hang up. Ten minutes in to that phone call, I knew. We were getting married this time.
In the very early weeks of April, the boy came up to our hometown where I was still living and took me on our {third} first date. It was the best date of my life. I came home, went upstairs to my parents' room, and sat on the bed with mom and told her, "I think I just went on my last first date." She said, "I know."
On April 24th, we made it official and told the world we were back together again. On September 24th, precisely six months later, he got on one knee with the most beautiful ring I'd ever seen.

On January 4, 2014, barely over three months later, we said I do.

If I hadn't changed schools, if he hadn't fallen on my desk, if we hadn't met Jesus...I wouldn't be a Mrs. I wouldn't be married to my best friend. I wouldn't be building a life with the boy who fell on my desk.
I am so, so grateful for that first day of school. It led us to here.

letter to my future self

Photo by Annabeth Kierspe, AB Photography

To us, at 30ish, We've had some good times over the years, haven't we? Traveled, learned, grown, loved...all kinds of fun. Sometimes I wonder what you're like. Does someone call you Mommy yet? Is it a boy or girl? Did you adopt or did you watch you belly grow for nine months? I know we've dreamed of both equally. I wonder which brought us our first? Blonde hair and blue eyed like us? Dark hair and dark eyes like our husband? Or something completely unexpected? I wonder where you're living. Closer to family? By a beach? On a mountain? Is it that white cottage we've always wanted or something completely different? I know us pretty well, despite not knowing where you are now. But I know we both wonder a lot. And I hope when you're reading this, it's not on a day when you're looking back wondering where the time went. I hope you're reading this on a day when we just had so much fun with our little family, whoever it now includes, that you are looking back and appreciating all the fun we had over time. I hope you're looking back smiling at the clueless newlywed we are right now, saying "I had no idea what wonderful things were on the way." But, if you're reading this on a day where nothing has gone right, when you're so tired you want to cry, and wishing you could come back to this moment right now and change things, I have something to say to you. Stop wishing for different. Remember how you dreamed about that baby who might be crying nonstop from colic right now and driving you crazy? Remember how you felt saying I do to that man who just made you so impossibly angry you can't even see straight? Right now, you've got it made. You're married to a man who loves you so much. Maybe right now you don't see it. But I promise. He's loved you since you were seventeen and didn't even know it. And if you're a mommy and it's really hard, much harder than expected, remember, you prayed for that hard for so long. You're doing great. Stop being so worried about doing it just right. You'll make mistakes. But it will be alright. Those mistakes parents make are what therapists are for later in life. No worries. Right now, you might think we had it so much better when we were 23 and newly married. You might look back and say "Those were the days." And they were. But so are the ones you're living right now. There is beauty in every stage, sweetheart. Remember that. Remember the beauty of our years gone by, but don't forget the beauty of right now. Where you are today? It's exactly where you're meant to be. It has it's own difficulties, and it isn't perfect, but it is lovely. Live where you are now. Dream about tomorrow, but please don't dream about yesterday. Look back on it with love, not longing. Where you are now, be in it. Find contentment in the little moments. Look for a flower blooming on a rainy day. Go for a hike. Go see a movie by yourself.  And if you're having the most wonderful day when you're reading this, cherish it and commit it to memory. But if tomorrow is a bad day, don't look at the day before with longing. Do the hard stuff, but look for the good. I'm so excited to be you one day. But I'm enjoying our day right now, so that you'll have more memories to love. Love, Us. What do you have to say to your future self?

my strange obsession

Ok. Confession time. Remember how last week I wrote that very serious letter to my very wonderful husband about what a dreamer I am? Well, I'm also a bit Type A. Ok a lot type A. Calendars and lists and order and rules that don't get broken make my heart sing. So, imagine how my many dreams can quickly escalate.
They start with a little idea. Maybe I'll do a tiny bit of research. Then I'll dig a little deeper...curiosity is good for you right? Exercises the brain? Then I start to read everything I can on the subject. Reading--also good for you.. Who can fault me for reading, for goodness sake?
And finally, it becomes a full blown obsession and all I want is to see it be reality. Usually, it's something easy to make happen. A job in the arts for example. That was my obsession since I was sixteen, and look! I haven't had a non arts job since sophomore year of college. I was obsessed with College of Charleston, and got in and got accepted to the Honors College, and got a scholarship! Then when I hated it, I was obsessed with finding a scholarship to transfer, and I got full tuition at Anderson University. My obsessions can be great things!
This one, though. This one I don't think is turning out that way. This one is making Husband question my sanity, and thus his own sanity for marrying a crazy such as myself.
Guys...all I want in the whole wide world is a tiny house.

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Simplicity. Ability to travel. ABSOLUTE ADORABLENESS IN THE HOME. It's perfect guys. It's wonderful.
The problem: I married a 6'4" 275 pound muscly man who tends to not like tiny spaces for obvious reasons. Alas, I'm still obsessed. So, here are my reasons why I HAVE to have a tiny house!

1. Take your own bathroom on all your adventures. I love travel and I love seeing the world. I hate hotel and/or public restrooms with a passion. I just want my own potty no matter where I am. It's mine and it's familiar and I know its cleaning schedule because I wrote it. As my blogging bestie turned real life friend, Sarah, so eloquently put it, a tiny house lets you #takeyourpottywithyou. I want that.
2. Adventuring. Guys...they are built on trailers. You can literally hitch your house to your pickup truck (sorry, Husband, this dream also requires you purchase a new vehicle) and take it anywhere your heart desires. Feel like hiking? Cool, let's take the house up to Tennessee. Need a little salty air? Awesome, hitch up and let's go down to the coast. ALL THE POSSIBILITIES! I can't get over it.
3. The cutest little facade of a house ever. This doesn't even need further explanation. They're just lovely.
4. Forced order. You can't be messy in a tiny house. We would have everything perfectly organized and everything would have a place and it would just be so calming to have everything so tidy.
5. No neighbors. I love my neighborhood and we have really nice people beside us, but I like wide open spaces. So, if someone rudely moves their tiny abode right next to yours, you can move without having to buy a whole new house! It's the PERFECT solution for introverts.

So, now that my crazy is out of the bag on the internet, I'm off to go Pinterest a bajillion more tiny houses and further drive my husband up a wall begging for a tiny house.
Would you ever live in one?

bread and wine project: coffee cake

I have been so excited about this linkup since my blog friend, Rachel, emailed me about it last month! I'm halfway through the book, Bread and Wine, and I have to tell you...reading it will completely change the way you look at serving food and opening your home. Whether you're serving just your family, or inviting people in to enjoy what you make, food is a bonding agent, deepening all of your relationships. The special moments around the table cannot be beat. Sweet conversations, a shared moment of pure bliss over a dish...these are the things I cherish. One of my very favorite meals to bond over is breakfast. I'm sure you've noticed from my two Sunday Brunch recipes here and here. There is something about starting the day with someone you love that is just special. Waking together, eating the first meal together, starting your day with a connection. That's the best part of the morning meal. My mom makes the most delicious coffee cake for breakfast on special occasions and holidays. We eat it every Christmas morning. Whenever I take a bite of this cake I feel at home in a beautiful way. Scents take many back to their favorite memories and moments. Flavors do that for me. So today, I'm sharing the breakfast cake that tastes like going home to me. I hope you share it with someone you love on a morning, whether for a celebration, or for the love of eating.

For the cake:

• 2 cups Bisquick or other pancake mix (we use Aunt Jemima because it's Drew's favorite)
• 2/3 cup milk
• 1 egg
• 2 tbsp sugar

For the topping:

• 1/3 cup Bisquick
• 1/3 cup brown sugar
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon
• 2 tbsp butter

Preheat oven to 375 and grease a 9x9 baking dish. Mix together all cake ingredients at once at medium speed in a mixer or by hand with a whisk. Batter will be thick, not liquidy. Scoop into the baking dish and smooth it out (I didn't take a picture of this step, blogger fail.) Combine the topping in your mixer as well until it resembles coarse sand. Pour evenly over the top of the cake batter.

Bake for 15-20 minutes or until the cake isn't gooey inside. I had to go 24 minutes on mine for some reason, maybe because I'm not using the same baking mix mom always does.

Serve with butter on top, if you wish, a good cup of French roast coffee, and maybe some fresh fruit on the side. Best enjoyed on a slow morning with the ones you love most. But, it's also great if you just feel like having something yummy in the morning. Reheat in the microwave for 15 seconds and enjoy it all week long. Have you read Bread and Wine yet? What do you love most about it? What's a meal your family has always made that feels like home to you?