making a comeback with 13.1

I haven't blogged in a long, long time. And honestly I haven't missed it very much. I got kind of tired of the sponsored contact taking over the blogisphere and the increase in shallow posts and decrease in heartfelt connections I was noticing. Then I started a business and it took most of my heart and attention, so I thought about blogging even less. Then it started to even out and I started to feel more like I knew what I was doing and less like I was a clueless pretender.
Lately though I've thought a lot about it. I love to write and while some of the connections found in blog world are superficial and forced, I do have some really wonderful friends I wouldn't know without having been a blogger.
I started to think about maybe writing again. 
Then I signed up for a half marathon and started training.

This is a pretty huge deal for me. As those of you who have read this blog for a long time, before I dropped out of blog world, know, March is my 4 year mark in eating disorder recovery. My body was very unhealthy for a long time, and two years ago I ran a 5k to make a healthy connection with it. Now, I'm running 13.1 miles on May 1st to really prove my body's strength, and my own mental strength to be able to persevere through this.
Let me tell you right now: training as a non-athletic person SUCKS. It's really hard right now and I'm terrified of race day. I've never been good at anything athletic and this feels super strange to be doing. 
Blogging has this really big benefit of keeping you accountable. If you're doing something crazy and you put it out there for the whole world to see, you kind of have to stick to it. So I figured this was the perfect time to make a comeback...at least here and there. Half marathon training is hard. It's overwhelming. It takes everything I've got, mentally, physically, and emotionally to make it through the runs that feel like they'll never end. It would be so easy to quit. But putting myself out there like this gives me one more reason not to. One more reason to stay dedicated. One more reason to push myself every day.
I hope you'll join me on this journey and forgive me for my total absence from blog life. My updates come a lot more frequently on Instagram, so follow me there and keep me motivated. Also, if you have any advice for my crazy self, please share.

the comparison game took the joy out of blogging.

Well hey there. It's been months since I've written anything here. I kept making excuses for myself, thinking "well life is just busy right now, I don't have time." And that was sort of true. We moved in kind of a rush, were long distance a few days a week for two months while Drew finished out his job in our old town before starting his new one back in our hometown, and my work schedule was changing and becoming more demanding.
But I'm an early riser. Weekends mean sleeping in for Drew if he's off but getting up early and enjoying a morning of quiet for me. Now he works night shifts and I've got a few hours before bed of just being by myself after I've finished my to-do list for the day.
Yes I've had some health problems show up that knocked my energy levels down pretty darn low for a few weeks. But I write naturally, so energy really wasn't an excuse for not writing.
Here's what it really came down to: I was busy comparing myself to everyone else's success and stage of life and didn't feel like I had anything exciting enough to share and couldn't get over the fact that my life didn't look like I thought it should.
I can't promise I'll be a consistent blogger ever again. I live with OCD and sometimes it really does make it hard to not spiral into comparison on probably a deeper level than people with normal brain chemistry. 
I can promise I'm not going to have sponsorships again. At least not for a long time. And I won't be doing any ad campaigns for any companies. If I'm going to write at all I'm going to write from the heart.
So many posts in blog world these days are promotional. I see new product reviews, posts promoted by other bloggers because they're obligated to because of sponsorships, and superficial writing constantly because numbers and dollars are taking over the blogiverse. Page views, sponsorships, ad campaigns...at some point it stops being genuine. And it stops being exciting or interesting or heartfelt. 
I want to read heartfelt. I want to see the person behind the screen. Is the person behind the screen sometimes really telling their friends about a really great product they just discovered? Absolutely! I do sometimes! But most of my conversations with my friends are about things that happened that we found hilarious or upsetting. They're about what we've been feeling lately. They're about real life.
I don't want to blog if it's just about making a list of how to do this or that or why you should try this new thing I got paid to tell you about. I don't want to share posts that didn't actually make me laugh or inspire me or hit me on a heart level, so why on earth would I ever write those posts? 
I also don't want to blog if it becomes a thing that steals my joy because my life doesn't look like yours, and for some reason I think it's supposed to. For a while it did take my joy. It did leave me wondering what was so wrong with me that I couldn't be ready for the same things someone else was ready for. It made me question whether my life was even worth writing about because it wasn't full of so many new or glamorous or attention getting events as someone else's. 
So I'm not saying I'm fully back or that I'll have a posting schedule or even that I won't someday choose to quit blogging entirely. That's a real possibility someday, maybe even someday soon. 
But once upon a time blogging was fun. It was real. It was enjoyable. It let me write frequently, and I love to write. So I'm semi-returning. When I feel like writing, I'll write. When I feel like sharing, I'll share. But if I feel my joy slipping away in the comparison game or the numbers game or the growth game, I probably will quit. And you know what? That's good. Because anytime something you're doing for fun starts to steal your joy, it's time to leave, at least temporarily.
I'm glad I left for a while. I'm glad I didn't think about numbers. I'm glad I didn't focus on comments or shares or campaigns or anything else I'm seeing take over blogging everywhere. 
Time will tell whether or not I decide to quit blogging for real. For now, though, I'm just going to let myself write when I want about what I want, and not worry for a second about what my blog is "supposed" to look like. Or what my life is "supposed" to look like either.
Comparison game, peace out. Ain't nobody got time for that.

5 lessons from a 5k and why 3.1 miles is a little bigger to me

That's me passing the lady pulling a wagon. I did the first mile in 9 minutes and it felt amazing.

3.1 miles. Doesn't sound like much, does it? But 3.1 miles was a very big deal for me. In March of 2012 I was very thin and very sick. Running 3.1 miles in March of 2012 would have been physically impossible. On Saturday I ran 3.1 miles and crossed the finish line. On Saturday I did what was once impossible. This is what I learned on Saturday.

1. Who you were and where you were does not determine what you can do now. Change is not impossible. I crossed a finish line I never could have before.
2. Setting small goals is a lot easier than staring one big one right in the face. If I had just stared at the map of the track, I would've been so overwhelmed by the race. But setting small goals along the way made it better. "Just make it past that stop sign up there and then you can walk for 60 seconds." "Just pass that kid up ahead and then you can slow it down." 
3. Asking for support is good. Having my husband and parents waiting for me at the end of the race made it so much more special. Running straight into a hug from the three people who knew just how much went into that race was so emotional and rewarding.
4. It's okay that a short race is a big deal to some people. We all have stories, we all have challenges, and we all have things that mean more to us than maybe they would to others. I cried the last half mile of the race because I knew I was so close and that crossing that finish line was going to be one of the most meaningful moments of my life thus far.
5. So what if you've always hated running? One race can change that. Now that I've done one, I can't wait to do another. Running felt so satisfying and the soreness in my legs the next day was probably the best feeling pain ever. Somehow over the summer I became a runner, and I've never done anything athletic before in all my life.

When you do something you never thought you could, the sense of accomplishment is the best feeling ever. Knowing how far I have come in the last two and a half years and that there is no limit to where I can go now feels amazing. I didn't know I had it in me to do something like this. I didn't know my body could do it. I didn't know how much I was capable of doing.
But I did it. And no matter where you have been or where you are at, you can do that thing that seems impossible too. You can chase whatever that dream is fearlessly. Who cares where you were? I don't. I know you can go anywhere you want, because I did.
What has been your most rewarding achievement in life? Why?

this race i agreed to run is very intimidating, guys.

My neighborhood is so pretty to run in.

A little while ago I told you what I'm really thinking about while running. And I told you I'm working towards running my first 5k on August 2nd in Greenville except I can't find that post at the moment.
And it's July 2nd. And my nerves are officially majorly setting in. Last night, I dreamed I was running the race, passed out from heat exhaustion, and got trampled by six runners before anyone stopped to help me. And then somehow the dreamed turned into being chased by zombies from The Walking Dead, which I don't even watch because I'm so afraid of anything zombie or supernatural whatsoever. 
So because of the fear, this morning, getting up to run was incredibly hard. I had this voice in my head repeating, "You're not athletic, you've never done anything like this before, and you're not going to be able to make it." So running was the last thing I wanted to do. But I did it. I ran today, despite not having been diligent in training, despite nightmares, and despite the fact that my bed feels like a friggin' cloud and I never want to leave it.
Moral of the story: I'm freaked about this 5k. I know it's a short distance, and people do 10k's and half marathons and marathons all the time which are way harder to prepare for, so I probably sound whiney. But like I said, I'm not athletic, I've never done anything like this, and I'm great at negative self talk.
If anyone has any tips, tricks, advice, encouragement, etc to help keep motivated and move past the pre-race nerves, this newbie runner would love to hear it. What helps you?

sunday brunch for two: a family recipe

Sunday breakfast has been a longstanding tradition in my family. It's the day we didn't have chores, didn't have commitments, and all got to spend the morning together. My absolute favorite item over the years? Dutch Babies. I've heard others call them "fat pancakes" but the fun and light name Dutch Babies seems to suit these fluffy wonders much better. Light, airy, delicious and oh so versatile, these are a classic. And now, they are a feature in a romantic morning start with my man. For us, we had "Sunday brunch" on Friday because this is Drew's work weekend, but since the rest of you are probably sipping coffee planning what to do with your loves this morning, I decided to share it with you

What you'll need:

• 1/3 cup salted butter, divided into 2 equal parts
• 4 eggs
• 1 cup milk (I use skim)
• 1 cup all purpose flour (I prefer unbleached)

Preheat the oven to 425. Place the two parts of butter in 2 8 or 9 inch cake pans and set them on the top rack of the oven to melt while it preheats.

In a large mixing bowl, pour the flour and leave an indentation in the center. Mix the milk and eggs together in either a large measuring cup or a smaller mixing bowl.

Pour wet ingredients into the flour. Whisk at a quick pace until all lumps are out of the batter--lumpy batter will not rise in the oven as it should.

Once the butter has melted and begun to brown in the oven, pull pans out. Pour the batter into the two pans, being careful not to create too thick of a layer. It's alright if you've got a little left over.

Bake the Dutch Babies for about 20-25 minutes until golden brown and puffed.

Serve with a variety of toppings. I like mine with squeezed lemon, powdered sugar, and fresh fruit. Husband takes his with lemon, syrup and butter. 

And coffee. Lots of coffee. To be sipped slowly, as you savor each bite, and take in the start of your day with the one you love.

to live boldly through doubt and darkness

Today I'm linking up with one of my very favorite regular reads, Amber from Mr. Thomas and Me, and her cohost Kate from The Florkens, for their series Doubt and Devotion.

Doubt. It's such a heavy thing. Doubt keeps us away from what we love, from adventure, from starting something new. Doubt can paralyze us so much that we don't even pursue our callings.

One of my biggest recent doubts has been changing this blog. Moving forward in this way, sharing my faith so publicly and deeply, sharing my heart with strangers worldwide, writing and making myself vulnerable for all the nations to see. I was overwhelmed. Yet I knew I must. I was convicted that this blog, this space, these words, are to be my ministry. God kept nudging me repeatedly, giving me fire and passion inside to write here, and yet, I was so afraid.

So I turned to Esther. Esther is one of my favorite women in the Bible. She is lovely, humble, and yet oh so bold. She is fiercely rooted in her convictions and faith, devoted to the Lord with every ounce of her being. And yet, she is unequally yoked, married to a very very powerful king, one who had previously banished a wife for refusing to obey him.

When the King is convinced by a terrible adviser to put the Jews to death, for they feared the Lord more than they feared their King, and would surely be mutinous as a result, Esther must make a choice. She must choose to either stand by and allow her people to be killed, or she must take on the armor of her faith and stand up to the king, knowing he may very well choose to kill her for her impertinence.

Surely Esther had doubt. Surely her heart was full of dread at the thought of standing up to her husband. Surely she had moments in which she questioned whether God was with her. Surely she wanted to do anything but be bold in her faith.

But Esther was not paralyzed by her doubt. Esther was not silent. Esther was bold, and did as the Lord required of her, and faced her husband with her faith and the armor of her Lord.

Do you know what happened next?

Her husband listened. And he renounced his plans to kill the Jews, and gave them the freedom to love and obey their God.  He adored his wife, that brave, bold woman who did the unthinkable and stood up to him despite the overwhelming doubt. Esther had faced her calling, faced the fear and hesitation, and was rewarded for it.

It's the same for us, friends. We are Esther, protected by the armor of God, and despite our doubts about the future, as long as we faithfully pursue our calling even in the midst of doubt and darkness, He will carry us.

My prayer today is that I would seek my calling diligently, that I would live boldly, and that I would persevere even when my heart is so full of fear I can hardly breathe. My prayer is that I would take Esther's example to heart, and that my doubts would never be larger than my love of the Lord and my trust in His faithfulness.

I pray that all of you would fight against your fears and doubts and live boldly and faithfully.

So, my sweet friends, what has you doubtful today? How to do move forward when fear paralyzes your heart?

building a better temple

Today I want to talk about our temples. Yes, this is another post about health and self love but I promise it's different. Last Friday I discussed how I feel about striving for skinny versus striving for health. In a nutshell, skinny and other size related terms are not valid as compliments or insults.

I did a little reading in Titus 2 over the weekend about the qualities and characteristics of Godly leadership, both men and women in leadership, and what really stood out to me is that a leader must exhibit self-control to be an example for future generations. I also read this verse:

1 Corinthians 6:19-20: Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

Self control. I am not my own. Skinny is a swear word. How does it all tie together?

Here's how:

In order to be a Godly woman in leadership and life, I must have the self control to build the best temple I can and maintain a healthy body and a healthy mindset that focuses on Christ and not on a scale.

So today I started a new journey. A journey to a better temple. A temple that doesn't rest on a scale, see the size on a clothing label, or strive for a worldly standard of beauty. Today I started a journey towards a temple that honors the price I was bought with and stands firm on the word of God.

Disregard the time...I screenshotted at lunch but I did the workout early this morning.

I'm beginning to run, and I started this morning. I don't have a 5k date picked out yet, but there are a few races I'm interested in. But for now, I'm working my way towards increased endurance and distance, and someday soon I will be able to run one.

Last night I bought myself some new workout gear. I haven't gotten workout clothes in at least two years. I know that I am much more comfortable doing something new if I feel confident, so I decided to find some things that made me feel good about my body.

Neon, everywhere. So confused by this trend. But I like it too.

A few friends have agreed to text me a few times a week to make sure I'm doing what I've committed to. I would like to ask all of you, dear friends, to help me be accountable as well. Check in with me via email or comments and remind me of why I'm doing this. Leave me some notes of encouragement and some verses to remind me that I was bought with a price and that the hard work now is nothing compared to the price He paid for me.

This community here in Blogland is so wonderful. I love that I can write a post and ask for help and know that some sweet friends will take it seriously and keep me motivated.

What about you, dear ones? How can I encourage you?

skinny is a swear word

Want to know a secret? A little trick, one that helped me break {mostly} free of skinny thinking?
I live in a world without scales.

There is no scale under my bathroom sink. I don't go to a personal trainer at the gym because weigh ins suck. I turn around backwards at the doctor's office and ask them not to tell me my weight unless they think I'm unhealthy.

I have no idea what I weigh.

Some would argue having an awareness of your size is important to know how healthy you are. I say, I have awareness! If I go to the store and need a size 4 in that cute skirt over there, I need to go eat a freakin' cheeseburger and extra fries because size 4 is too small for my body. If I have to go put on a size 10, it's time to stop getting take-out so much and go back to yoga.

But I don't know how much I weigh. Because for me, knowing is unhealthy. Knowing gets me thinking. What if I could drop just ten pounds? Yes, ten sounds easy. Oh, I dropped that ten, let's just go for five more. Well hey, that came off quick, how about another five just for good measure?

I do not want to live in a prison made of scales. So I live in a wilderness where scales are unheard of. Because skinny doesn't matter. Skinny isn't healthy. Skinny SUCKS. If you see me on the street, please do not tell me I look skinny. Do not tell me I'm so thin. Do not tell me you wish you were my size.

And I will never tell you that you look skinny, even if you are. Because I don't give a damn about skinny. Skinny is the F-word of my life. As is fat. Size is not a valid compliment or insult.

Tell me you LOVE that color on me. Tell me my dress is really flattering. Tell me I have such great blue eyes. Tell me you love my smile. Tell me my laugh is contagious. Tell me you love how genuine I am.

Tell me ANYTHING besides "you look skinny." Tell me I look healthy--healthy is good, healthy IS a compliment. Healthy ROCKS. But skinny isn't healthy.

Want to know a secret? Something that will help you live in a freer, happier world?

You were made ON purpose, FOR a purpose. And that purpose won't be found in a dress size or a number on a scale. It's found in your passions, your friendships, your marriage, your family. It's found in your community, in the things you sacrifice yourself for.

It's found in Christ. He made you. He loves you. And you know what? He doesn't give a damn about skinny either. He wants your heart and soul. That's it.

Over the next seven days, I challenge you not to use a single adjective about size or weight when describing yourself or others. I challenge you to avoid the scale entirely. I challenge you to think beyond the numbers and see the true person in the mirror.

What is your secret to healthy, happy living? How can I encourage you to think happy, not skinny?

This post was inspired by two recent conversations, one with my mentor and one with a new friend. Thanks to both.

pruning

I love plants. Flowers, trees, grasses, weeds...they are all lovely to me. I love the way they spring to life from tiny little seeds. I love the way they transform as they grow. I also love to watch them flourish after pruning.

I have a lovely plant that is brilliant for ground cover; it grows and spreads so quickly and when used in a container has a gorgeous quality of spilling over the sides when it runs out of ground to cover. I bought two of them, but for some reason only put one in its container. Its brother plant was a little neglected, and after two weeks in the hot Columbia sun, it appeared to be dead.

But...there's always a but in a post like this, isn't there?...but. It wasn't dead at all. There was still life in that little neglected container, being held back by a thick layer of unhealthy remains. So instead of throwing that little plant away, not looking for the small signs of life that might still be there, I started to pull the layers of death away. There was a lot of it, and I wondered the whole time if it was going to be worth it. If I should've just let it be and not bothered to remove what was holding this plant back.

Then I got to the underside of the unhealthy, choking remains. And I saw what I was looking for. New life. Ready to thrive, and grow, and spread into something beautiful. I saw the hope of a future for this little plant. And I began to think how life is a lot like that.

Sometimes, you see, there are things in our life that are deeply unhealthy, that are keeping the freshness in us from coming out. Sometimes, there are friendships that need to be trimmed away. Sometimes it's old habits that are like a layer of death keeping us from the light ahead. Sometimes it's our own negativity keeping us from seeing the sun.

So we prune. We separate the unhealthy from what is ready to bloom. We take away what is hopeless to make room for newness. We say goodbye to friendships despite the pain it comes with, we make new habits that help us in order to drop those that hinder us. We actively seek out joy in our lives to make the pain easier to live with, and keep it from stopping our ability to grow. We prune.

It's not easy. Sometimes it seems pointless. Sometimes you hardly remember why you started this process, and question everything. And then you break through to the other side and beauty is waiting for you. The layers of unhealthy weeds have been pulled away, and new sprouts greet you. And you remember why you started. Because this moment, this peace and loveliness, this is what you knew you would find. This part of life was just ahead.

Aren't you glad you didn't stop pruning?

going home & going through changes

Lately I've been making changes. I've been growing up, getting to know myself better, and creating a home that feels more like mine. Husband and I recently went to my parent's house to dog-sit while they went out of town, and I was surprised to find that their house doesn't feel like home anymore.

Mom's sweet puppy, Cali

I've been putting lots of effort into making our little house feel more like ours, and it wasn't until we returned to it after our weekend away that I realized it had transformed from a sweet house we were leasing for the next two years into my home. When I walked in the door to mom and dad's, that sense of relief and contentment that only comes from going home didn't wash over me. For the first time in my life, I felt like just a visitor. But when we got back to our sweet little house in our sweet little neighborhood, I felt it. The peace of coming home.

My little coffee station {diy mug tutorial here}

Maybe it's because I've redecorated two rooms precisely to our tastes. Drew is represented in our guest bedroom, aka the Man Cave, filled with Gamecock memorabilia. The office looks like me when you see the aqua walls and white furniture filled with books and delicate touches that remind me who I am.

I guess all the weeks of work made a bigger impact than I thought. I'm home here, in my rental with my husband and hound dog. It's ours and we're making it feel like us more all the time. And I find myself at peace here in a way I wasn't sure I ever would. Thanks, God, for putting me where I didn't want to move and helping me find home in an unexpected place.

In addition to growing up and making my house a home, I'm making lots of changes here on the blog. On Tuesday I announced that I'm transitioning to lifestyle blogging and taking the focus away from how-to. I've been thinking about another major step for weeks, and this morning it became official. The blog is getting a makeover by Rachel from Oh Simple Thoughts. I read her blog daily, and love her aesthetic. Even though part of my career involves graphic design, I've found it so frustrating to design for myself. After lots of weighing the options and asking Husband what he thinks, I finally reached out to Rachel, and I cannot wait to see what this wonderful woman does! So excited to have her help!

Does visiting your parents still feel like going home or have you made your own space home? What did you do to create your own space?

why this posting regularly thing hasn't happened

Lately I've been thinking. About me, what makes me tick, what brings me peace, what brings me joy, and how do I find balance in my life between responsibilities and my passions? The thing is, this blog started as a refashioning blog about sewing and how to do it. And lately I haven't stitched a thing. I have a dresser in my office with several pieces ready to go under the knife pinking shears and I just haven't done it. Why?

My little space to write. {print from vallarina creative}

I love to sew. Truly I do. When I do it I have joy and fun and a sense of accomplishment. But my heart hasn't come alive when I write tutorials on sewing like it once did. When I was in college, I loved how-to posts and I loved sharing projects. But life these days hasn't lent itself to how-to. And my heart isn't in how-to anymore.

My place from which to sew, pre-office makeover. Fun fact: this sewing table belonged to Drew's grandmother and his father refinished the top when he was in high school. It's the real deal from the 1920's.

This blog is going to undergo some changes here. There will be the occasional stitchery, and I will be sharing some projects here and there. But I'm not going to be a craft blogger anymore. Lifestyle blogging is what fits me here and now.

Writing is one of my deepest joys. I have journals all over the house. Any time I'm just having a hard day or just not quite myself, my sweet husband asks, "have you written anything in your journals this week?" He knows how I love to see words flow onto a page. He knows I learn myself and my heart more with each entry. He knows my passion. So while I'm not going to be a craft blogger anymore, I am going to keep blogging here.

I've toyed with the idea of building a whole new blog from scratch. I've considered that it might be easier to transition if I create something new. After all, the name of this blog lends itself to crafting immediately. But Sew My Soul means a little more than just crafting. You see, our lives are pieces of thread woven into a tapestry that is all of Creation. It is being stitched, embroidered, developed, and sewn each day. The small piece of the tapestry that is my life is being stitched as well. My soul, so to speak, is in a constant state of being sewn. Thus, Sew My Soul will continue to be my blogging home.

My fantastic mom/bff and I at the event I spent the last six months planning. A little bit of who I am in this picture. No, that's not a real tattoo. We had a body painter who drew inspiration from everyone's colorful outfits.

What does this mean for you, sweet reader? Well, it means you'll see more things like my thoughts on marriage and body image. You'll begin to see things like me joining a linkup with Princess Burlap on sweetness, or with Rachel of Oh Simple Thoughts for coffee dates. You'll see more of my heart here. You'll see more of real life. Sometimes I'll show you a craft or two, but I'm not going to push myself to be pumping them out constantly. When you come here, you'll be getting to know me. This blog is going to be real from now on. Real me, real thoughts, real life, not just a little thing I like to do in my spare time. This isn't to say I don't love craft blogs; it just doesn't fit who I am anymore.


Welcome to the new Sew My Soul. I hope you'll enjoy its fresh start with me.

tuesday is a day for thanks

...thanks for a new home to love and grow in together as we dive further in to our journey of marriage...

...thanks for a job that allows me to do what i love and help provide for our family's future...

...thanks for the struggles of my past that led me to renewal in Christ and a strengthened core...

...thanks for family and the truest of friends who stood by me no matter what...

...thanks for friendship with my parents deeper than i could've dreamed...

...thanks for love growing ever deeper as we choose to love and serve every day...

...thanks for examples of marriage and commitment in my life...

25 years in 2013

50 years in 2013

...thanks for a husband whose only greater love than me is God...

...thanks for grace and its limitless reach.

{sourced via pinterest}

what do you give thanks for today?