Wednesday, September 10, 2014

this is not the honeymoon stage.

Don't let the title fool you. I'm so very happy I married Drew and I love him more now than I did on January 4th when we said our vows.

But this isn't the honeymoon stage.

So many times when people ask how long we've been married and I respond "a little over 8 months," they always say, "Oh, you guys are still on your honeymoon!" And I laugh a little but inside, I'm thinking, no, we aren't.

Our first 8 months have been full of happy memories. But it has also been an enormous learning curve. And when two people are learning a lot and going through many life changes all at once, it's rough. There are 2 a.m. fights. There are tears. There is exasperation. There is frustration and confusion. But there is grace. Oh, so much grace.

Getting married is no joke. And the honeymoon stage for us was on our honeymoon. Barely even then. Our first fight was on our wedding night, because I was very sick and Drew wanted to go to the hospital but I wanted to go to sleep so I could wake up better and go on our honeymoon. I won that one, and we had a great trip even though I had no voice and a terrible cough that lasted over a month.


Moving in together and learning to share space and make decisions together was so difficult. Sharing a bed for the first time in my life was awful. I didn't sleep well for the first two months and I was so frustrated every night and every morning because I couldn't get comfortable, I wasn't getting enough covers, he was so hot in his sleep, and he took up the whole bed. And not sleeping makes me beyond irritable. We struggled. A lot.

I came into marriage with serious intimacy issues. I struggled to be my most vulnerable. I struggled to relax. I struggled to be physically intimate. It did not come naturally. Vulnerability and intimacy are so necessary in marriage, and yet I was unwilling to give them readily. And Drew needed that from me, and was hurt by my reluctance to let him in. So we struggled.

Then, after two months of sharing an apartment, we found out our lease had been misfiled and we had to move. Throw finding a new place to live in a hurry on top of not sleeping well, not being used to sharing space, and not being used to having to make decisions with another person and not on your own, and you're in for it. Then the actual move happened, and one of our cars completely died and needed to be replaced immediately but we had to take on a car payment to do so and neither one of us wanted that debt, and packing and unpacking and money and navigating the new space and setting it up...we struggled some more.


During this time, Drew was also in a stressful point in grad school and had to drop a class so that he would be able to do well in school as well as manage all the crazy things happening in our daily life. He was stressed about school, I didn't understand how much pressure he felt between classes and work, and expected a lot more romance than I was actually getting, and we struggled even more.

Suddenly summer was here. I hate summer heat. I don't do well in it, it makes me sick frequently, and I now live in the hottest part of the state. And I only moved here because I fell in love with a man who had to live here for his job and education. Throw into that an a/c unit that was broken 50% of the time and could never seem to be fixed, and my frustration grew. So we had more struggle.

The first 8 months of marriage were not the honeymoon stage for us. The first year of marriage so far has been hard, hard work. We've had to learn so much so quickly and have had to take on new challenges in very short periods of time.

We've fought in the middle of the night. We've fought first thing in the morning before going to work and had to end the discussion before it was over because we had to go about our days. We have had some really hard days.


All of that said, our marriage is a whole lot deeper now than it would be had we been smooth sailing and on cloud nine for the whole first year. Those middle of the night arguments leaving me thinking "Oh my gosh what did I just sign up for for the rest of my life?" have made everything about our love that much deeper. 

It is so easy to take things in life for granted when you're looking through rose colored glasses. It is so easy to ignore the hard work when you're too focused on bliss. It is so easy to expect perfect joy when you're not facing the hard things.

But when the first year isn't the honeymoon stage you expected, it isn't so easy. However, it is so worth it.

When you've had a terrible fight that has gone on so long you don't even know why you're fighting anymore, but you're still too angry to stop, the intensity with which you just fought will be brought into the intensity with which you love.

When you've broken down crying because there have been one too many road blocks in the way of your plans and you are just too overwhelmed to face anymore, the same tears will be shed in joy when the sun finally comes out, and the tears of joy will come more readily when you remember how much love you feel towards the man you're sleeping next to.

When you've gone through the days of wondering how in the heck you're going to do this forever, your heart will be filled with a much greater love and respect for your husband.

And when marriage has been so much harder than you ever thought it would be in the first year, your understanding of grace and the way God truly loves you is much, much deeper.


God's love is undying. We fight him on it daily. We argue with him, we decide we know better, we pull away, we want to do things our way. We think we can handle it on our own. And he sits there, still loving us, still strong, still constant. He waits for us to remember. He doesn't turn His back. He gives limitless grace, no matter how much we sin against him.

And that's what marriage is like. No matter how bad that fight was, we're still here. No matter how long we've gone without sleep, we're still in this. No matter how long it took me to get comfortable with intimacy and vulnerability, Drew was still vulnerable with me, constantly showing me I was safe with him. No matter how many trials we faced, we were still in it. No matter how much we sinned against each other, we actively chose love and grace. 

Because marriage is but a shadow of the mirror image of God's love for us it was originally meant to be. And we know that God's love is endless. We can test it as much as we want, pull away from it as hard as we can, and he's never going to give up on us. He's never going to turn away. His grace knows no bounds. And with every hurdle we face in marriage, with every tear shed, with every unkind word spoken, we learn more about what true love means. We learn what it means to give and receive grace.

And it's beautiful. When you find boundless grace in your marriage, the love you feel and share grows so much more.

I love Drew more today than I ever did before. And I love him that much more because our honeymoon phase ended with our honeymoon. But I'm so glad it did. If it hadn't, I wouldn't feel so much more love for my Savior. If it hadn't I wouldn't understand so much more of how He loves me. If it hadn't, I wouldn't appreciate the beautiful friendship I now have with my husband or how much grace the Lord gives me.

If our honeymoon stage lasted past our honeymoon, our marriage wouldn't be as strong or deep as it is today, and our faith wouldn't be as deep as it is now.

God gives us so much grace, friends. So much. And I didn't fully realize it until after "I do" became "what did I do?"

So, if you think you're supposed to be on your honeymoon still because it's only the first year, let me be the one to tell you...it's okay that you aren't. It is okay that your marriage is off to a rough start. It is okay that you didn't know what you were getting into. It is okay that it is really hard really early. 
This thing we're doing called marriage is no joke. But it is the most beautiful thing we can do because it is teaching us more and more every day just how much the Lord loves us and just how much grace can cover.


Did your first year of marriage go smoothly, or was it like ours has been, rough but still beautiful?
post signature

46 comments:

  1. yes. thank you! i feel like there is so much pressure for newlyweds to have the "perfect" honeymoon-stage first year of marriage & that is just such a lie. life is hard & unpredictable which means that marriage cannot run from the hard & unpredictable! we are still living in reality :) but the reality is that the hard times make us stronger if we run to the Lord, and there is always grace!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So so true. It is so ridiculous that we put so much pressure on newlyweds to be on cloud 9 all the time. Life doesn't work that way and learning to live with someone else can be rough. But God is always there and He is always ready to help us through it.

      Delete
  2. Kaitlin this is amazing! there is just so much to learn. i remember the worst fight we ever had and i cried for hours and hours. my eyes were swollen for days. it was awful. and those intimacy/vulnerability issues--YES. so, so, so, so hard. i think our first year was rather smooth for the most part. but there were some HARD times. thanks for sharing your heart! loved this post,

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have absolutely been there! One night I remember crying until three in the morning and waking up at six to run and crying on the run. But no matter how bitter the fights feel they don't dominate how we see each other. And intimacy issues do not get addressed enough in the church. They're a big deal and we need to be willing to talk about them. So glad you got something out of this and thank you for your kind compliments!

      Delete
  3. your transparency is amazing! I'm single but it's so amazing to see couples doing things God's way...very encouraging. so thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! I am always so humbled by people telling me my words resonated with them. And I love that you're single and reading this, because if/when you're a brand new bride and it's really hard, you'll go into it knowing you aren't alone! It is very easy to fantasize about the good things about marriage so much that you forget to think about how you'll handle the hard, but handling the hard makes the beautiful things so much brighter.

      Delete
  4. It;s so great that you are willing to share stuff like this.It's real, it's raw and we need more of that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I always want to be real here. My life is not a perfect pretty happy bubble all the time. It is raw, sometimes quite painful, but I still love it. And if my life was that perfect shiny object, then my understanding of grace would be superficial, and my words about grace would have very little value.

      Delete
  5. Absolutely amazing! I agree 100%. I can relate with you on so many levels here. I struggled with intimacy issues as well and am still trying to figure it all out. We thank God for these trials even though they are so hard, it has brought us closer to each other and so much more reliant on God. I can't stand when people say we are in the honeymoon phase as if one day, we will be tired of each other. Not true at all. You're right, the honeymoon phase ended on the honeymoon and life after that is still amazing! Amazing, tough, and full of grace. So thankful for your transparency. It's inspring.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Katie. Intimacy issues are not addressed enough in the church, and are so often brushed under the rug, but women (and men) need to know that they aren't alone in those struggles. And it drives me absolutely insane when people talk like we will be over each other soon, because that's not how this works at all. You take the hard things, you deal with them head on, and you forgive and work to see your spouse through God's eyes because yours are human and will be clouded. So glad this had significance for you. Thank you for your kind words.

      Delete
  6. I'm single but I felt like reading this I was siting across from my closest married girlfriends. This is real and honest. Thanks you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's what I want this space to feel like--somewhere you can come and talk to your closest friends. So I'm glad to know that's how you feel about me and my little blog. I am loving that single women are reading this too because I don't want them to someday go into marriage thinking it's "supposed" to look a certain way. It doesn't look the same for everyone, and it can start out really hard, but that is okay.

      Delete
  7. Thank you for writing this! I'm not married yet but I've heard from so many people that the whole "honeymoon phase" lasting for the first year is not very common! A lot of people have told me how hard it is to adjust and become one instead of two separate people.

    I'm really glad to have heard about people's struggles, because my boyfriend and I have been able to discuss and work on a lot of those things during the year and a half we have been together. I know the first year will still be a big change and adjustment, but hopefully we will have an easier time because we are learning from those who have gone before us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so glad this had resonance for you! It is definitely not the norm for the first year to be butterflies and rainbows. Integrating two lives and two people into one feels unnatural and hard and sometimes downright icky. But it is so worth it when it happens. And you may have an easier time because of learning from others, but it is okay if it still sucks for a little while. We knew each other for almost seven years before getting hitched, and thought it was going to be so fine, but it wasn't, and I felt so shocked that it was so hard! I hope that when you are a brand new bride it is smoother sailing for you--and if it isn't, I hope you develop a deeper love and a greater understanding of grace.

      Delete
  8. I can't tell you how much I love this post. I've been married seven years, and there are still days that aren't pretty. Marriage means always learning - some bad, mostly good. Seriously though, thank you for being so honest and sharing what most of us think at one time or another. Loved it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think in marriage you ever hit a point where you're done having really bad days. The big thing is: do you let the really bad days make you think you have a really bad marriage or a really bad spouse, or do you let them help you grow into a deeper love and understanding of each other? I am so glad this post is resonating with so many people from so many stages of life and marriage. People don't like to own up to their issues, but if we never talk about them in a real and honest way, no one else can ever feel comfortable sharing theirs and asking for help! Thank you for your kind words.

      Delete
  9. KAITLIN. THIS POST. I literally had coffee with a friend this morning to talk about how hard things have been for us in the last year or so of living together (only two months of which we have actually been married). It's hard and some days I don't want to have grace, or patience, or love even. It's so nice to have you be real on here and share that OTHER STRUGGLE TOO. I don't know if it ever stops being work but I think you learn how to love each other better, have more grace, and love God even more! I LOVE THIS POST SO MUCH

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The reality is: Sometimes, sharing a life with someone who isn't you can downright suck. It's so hard and it can seem impossible. And grace and love can be the absolute LAST things you want to show/feel. Sometimes, honestly, I want to stay mad because I'm just that upset and being that selfish. And no, you are so not alone in struggling right now. This stuff is really hard work and I don't think it ever stops being hard work, but it is worthy work without a doubt. Marriage can be really rough but man, is it ever beautiful after a storm! Thank you so much for being, as usual, such an encouraging reader/bloglife friend!

      Delete
  10. Thanks for being so honest!!! It seems we all have SUCH different journeys our first year, but thanks for being transparent with yours!!! PS I can't believe you got sick on your wedding night! What a bummer!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, so many people do have wonderful first years! I have a good friend in month three and she just said it has been the sweetest time for them, and I am so so happy for her and her husband! Our journey is so much sweeter now because we've seen such struggles.

      And I got sick the day before the wedding! Everyone kept saying "oh, you're just nauseated because you're nervous." Finally I developed a fever and had to miss the entire rehearsal dinner, and barely made it through our ceremony and reception. My parents were debating whether it was best to go through the ceremony as planned or go to the hospital and have Drew and the pastor meet us there so we could still get married but I could be on IV fluids and have my fever monitored. But I made it through and even danced a little!

      Delete
  11. Kaitlin this is so so beautiful. I just love your sweet heart! Thank you for sharing this with us all and letting people realize that marriage IS hard for a lot of people. And marriage always needs grace... always!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! It is getting much less hard these days but for a while it was definitely more than I expected! Grace is the number one key in marriage, from what I'm learning. Love is good, but you won't always feel it, and that's why grace is the most important thing!

      Delete
  12. Girl, our first year of marriage held the hardest life circumstances I've ever lived through. And when people said, oh you two are still honeymooners, I would be crushed because, we weren't. We were dealing with sickness and fear and death in ways that I can't even begin to explain... Sometimes it would make me feel like we'd missed out on honeymooning in having so much "real life shit" happen in a matter of months after our wedding day. Most of the time I realize that it gave us an amazing perspective on what's worth fighting for and over and against in marriage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know what? I don't think we missed out. I think we got let in on how deep marriage, love, grace, and faith really goes much sooner than many others will. We had even more major things tossed in over the year I didn't even touch on--death of a very close friend, learning that we may have serious struggles when it comes time to start having babies...seriously, it was a very hard first year. Yours I know was full of even more pain, but I think our vows shine a little brighter now because of the "real life" we had to deal with much too soon. Happy three years, love.

      Delete
  13. God's grace for marriages is incredible! You are able to have a better understanding of His grace for us, a deeper longing to give grace, and an incredible humility in receiving grace.
    Thanks for writing this!
    I am sorry for people always saying that about being still on the honeymoon- it gets old!
    We are wedding buddies! That makes my heart so happy! January 4th, 2014 seemed like a really great date!
    Can't wait to long-distance celebrate our anniversaries together! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Grace knows no limits--something I'm learning so much more each day of being a wife. As far as people saying it all the time, I don't hold it against them. They're trying to make conversation and celebrate the early days of marriage, and I get that! It is a beautiful thing and should be celebrated! But it isn't always a honeymoon from the beginning. And I want other new brides to know that.

      January 4, 2014 is the BEST day for a wedding! I totally didn't know you guys got married then too! Too bad Alaska and the South are so far off or we could have a super fun anniversary celebration!

      Delete
  14. I really love this. Our first year has been interesting--lots of ups and downs, but we've learned so much about each other. I think I'll be grateful for this "honeymoon" period to be over...I'm ready to be in the routine of us knowing each other inside and out, backwards and forwards ya know? To where we just know what the other needs and communicate so well. Our biggest issue has been communication. We're getting there, but slowly. I'm grateful for this year of learning and growing, but I'm ready for the next step. I love your heart and love reading your words!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Girl I feel you. Being ready to have the routine in, and to have a greater understanding of how our partners communicate...that sounds great. We're much closer than we were even a month ago! The first year is such an intense learning period especially when you throw lots of unexpected trials in the mix. But I think those trials have put us in deeper awe of God's grace. Thank you so much, and I always love your words too!!

      Delete
  15. I've read somewhere that it's okay to answer "It's hard" when people ask "So how's your first year of marriage?"

    Thanks for your post. I appreciate any writing on marriage that offers both an honest perspective and encouragement!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When people have actually asked how it is, I usually say "It's a huge adjustment and learning curve but it's definitely worth it!" But a lot of times people don't even ask, they just come out with some comment about us still being honeymooners and only knowing the best of each other, and I just want to be like....no, he's definitely seen my worst and I've seen his....but that's just a bit on the serious side when someone's just joking with you!

      I really just want people to know that it is absolutely okay for this to be hard early on. I think a lot of new brides think they're supposed to be having some wonderful experience right now and it might not be so wonderful but that doesn't mean it isn't beautiful! I'm glad this post spoke the message in my heart! Thank you!

      Delete
  16. Absolutely pinning this because it is so beautiful and inspiring. Thank you!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! I don't want other new brides to be going through the hard things and think they must be somehow doing this all wrong, because they aren't! It is just a major transition trying to create a life with someone else!

      Delete
  17. Intimacy has been a struggle for me as well. It's so easy for me to go inward instead of letting my husband come a long side me. I got married young (21) and didn't really know what I was getting into but after almost 7 years I wouldn't want to go back to that "honeymoon" stage...I think it gets so much better!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's what I keep hearing! Intimacy struggles especially with young couples are something that don't get talked about enough because they truly are prevalent problems! People assume, oh, they're young and in love, they don't know any struggle yet, so intimacy is easy. But it's not the case for many many newlyweds, in my experience. I'm looking forward for this so-called honeymoon stage to be over!

      Delete
  18. Oh my gosh, Kaitlin- I wish I could just give you a big hug right now!! Where were you when I got married?! ;) That always caught me off guard too, when people would say "Oh you guys are still in your first year! This is just the honeymoon period" and I remember thinking- so.... it gets worse??? The beginning was rough - marriage is an INSANE idea... but also really awesome and beautiful and humbling act, and of course we wouldn't have it any other way.. but that doesn't mean it's always a walk in the park. My husband and I celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary this last summer and I will tell you- our days now are better than they were in our first 8 months of marriage :) THANK YOU for being so open and sharing this... I'm sure there are lots of newlywed gals out there, reading this and taking deeper breaths ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seriously, that's exactly why I wrote it!! I want new brides to read this and say, oh my gosh, I'm not alone in this, and for older couples to read it and maybe think twice before making an inadvertently painful remark! I am looking forward to our marriage progressing and hopefully us getting better and better at relating to one another, because that always seems to be at the root of problems! One of us just misinterprets the other and is hurt, and then we're arguing haha so I think we're each starting to slowly learn the other's communication style and it's helping for sure!!

      Delete
  19. Just found this post from Meagan's Blogger Love link up....Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! Our first year actually was pretty smooth sailing, but I feel like our 3rd year was the test. We had a baby and a complete change of lifestyle. I went from working to staying home full time and it was just completely different! We read the Love Language book, and that helped us a TON! Also, thanks for sharing about the intimacy part...I'm sure that was hard to do, but I can tell you from our experience - you are not alone in that struggle!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your kind note! I'm sure having a baby will change everything when we get there. We're waiting a few years because Drew is in grad school and I want us to actually own a house when we start bringing some tiny humans home, and I have some health concerns that we will have to work around when we are ready to try! Intimacy is really uncomfortable to talk about, but I had talked to so so many other girls who felt that way about it and I just don't want anyone to find themselves feeling alone in the struggle. I'll be writing about it on Sage as a guest post soon so I'm excited to see how that post helps other women!

      Delete
  20. I love your honesty, it is so rare. I am now divorced now, but when I was married our hard times were having three miscarriages and we just could not survive it. It is so awesome that the two of you understand what true love is and the the importance of marriage. You have my prayers!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. I really strive for honesty as much as possible so thank you. And I am so so sorry that you had to go through all of that pain on so many levels. I can't even imagine how difficult that time must have been, and I'm sure still is at time. You have my prayers as well!

      Delete
  21. Visiting from the Peony Project :)

    First off - I view marriage the same way. No matter how annoyingly crazy I am (like crazy in a bad way) my husband, Seth, still loves me. And so does God. It took God giving me Seth for me to truly understand God's love for me.

    Seth and I got married June 21, 2013 (I was 19 and he was 20) and it was awesome. By September we were flirting with the idea of trying to get pregnant. By my birthday last year (Sept 18) we had decided to go for it. Mind you, that's like three months after the wedding. We thought it would take a few months until we got pregnant but God had other plans. We got pregnant on the first try. Our son was born June 29, 2014, about a week after our one year anniversary. Basically, I was pregnant for almost the entire first year of our marriage. During the first trimester I was insanely nauseous, thankfully no vomiting, but I felt so sick that I would come home from work and could do nothing but lay in bed for the rest of the night. And I lived on nothing but cheese and crackers for the first few months. My poor husband, he had to go for late night craving runs, make dinner for himself (and he CANNOT cook at all), and take care of the housework all on his own. At 28 weeks we found out that I had gestational diabetes, and though I was able to control through diet only, it was rough and made making meals for us rough and made me very very frustrated. Of course, I took out my frustrations and normal pregnancy mood swings out on him. But he stayed by my side and never once did he waver. By about seven months I wasn't up to "alone time" and we would go weeks at a time without it. I felt so guilty but I just couldn't muster up the energy or the desire for it. I know Seth suffered by this and felt hurt but he did not complain even once! When our son finally decided that he was ready to make his appearance, it of course did not go smoothly. I pushed for three hours, and Seth held my legs with each push, and when baby hadn't moved far at all it was time for a c-section. Our son was born healthy and we both did great through the surgery but recovery was awful. Seth was able to take two weeks off of work to be home with his which was a huge blessing because a could barely walk for the first two weeks, even just sitting up in bed was painful so Seth again had to take care of the house, etc. and now he had to help care for me and the baby! Our son is now 2 1/2 months old and I'm mostly recovered, I still have some bad pains from the surgery every once in awhile. Needless to say, being pregnant for the first year of our marriage was insanely rough and put a huge strain on us financially but God has blessed us in so many ways and going through all of this in just a short amount of time prepared us for our amazing gift from God and tells me that we can get through anything that is thrown at us for the rest of our lives. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Girl. Oh man. You, first of all, are a champ for taking on difficult pregnancy and delivery like a champ. I'm quite terrified of that whole process when we get there. I'm sure that had to be absolutely much harder as a brand new bride. But your husband sounds like he has been amazing through it all and loves you pretty hard! So so glad you guys were able to learn so much about marriage and God through that series of unexpected yet beautiful events!

      Delete
  22. Such an amazing story! I will have to keep your mentality in mind when I hit this point in my life :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! Yes definitely do! If/when you're the brand new bride coming off the wedding, and it's not as sweet as you expected, it's perfectly alright and you'll keep learning and growing through all of it!

      Delete
  23. You summed up exactly how my first year of marriage went. Glad to know there are others out there who can relate. Somedays you wake up wondering if this is normal, and if all these little things are signs that it's not meant to be. At the end of the day, I look back and appreciate the good and bad because it's made us stronger than we've ever been. You definitely learn a lot about each other in your first year of marriage!

    http://the--arnolds.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  24. We had already booked a place for the big day. But then it all got messed up and we scoured the internet for other venue ideas. Lucky to find San Diego Wedding venues with only a few months to go.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for stopping by! I love to hear what you think...leave me a note and I promise I'll do my best to reply!

*Opinions are more than welcome on this blog, same as or different than mine. However, hateful words are not allowed and I reserve the right to remove comments that are clearly malicious in nature towards myself or others.