5 on friday: five most embarrassing moments

This post is inspired by a comments discussion with Lisa at Two Martinis in which I described my horrific fear of pedicures and the incident that has led me to refuse all future pedicures.

Also this is my first five on Friday list and I'm about to publicly humiliate myself with it. Please be nice to me...

Also sorry for the lack of images. I don't have pictures to go with these stories. You'll understand soon.

Five most embarrassing moments:

1. When I kicked a Canadian pedicurist in the face and maybe broke her nose.
2. When I was three and farted so loudly at the kitchen table at a big family dinner it got named The Classic.
3. When I was eleven and casually asked my mom what anal sex was over after school snack.
4. When I was a freshman in college in Charleston, SC and not used to uneven sidewalks and ran into a large folding sign and faceplanted in the middle of the entrance to one of the busiest parking garages in downtown.
5. When I was at work two weeks ago in a very important meeting and stood up and heard a ripping sound and discovered my pencil skirt ripped all the way up to the waistband.

Stories behind each...

One. I hate having my feet touched. At all. Never ever ever ever touch my feet please ever. When I was 13 I went on a business trip with my parents to this convention in Canada at this really cool lodge with all kinds of amenities including an indoor pool, horseback riding, shopping center, and salon and spa. Our luggage had gotten lost and we were all having a terrible time, so to make us kiddos feel better we each got to do something "special." My something special was a haircut and a pedicure. I got a great hair cut that I loved and sat down in the pedicure chair thinking I was just going to soak my feet in the warm water and then someone would just paint my nails. But then the exfoliation started...and I couldn't take it...my reflexes got the best of me and my foot spasmed and before I knew it the lady down by my feet had a baddd bloody nose. Manager asked me to leave and I RAN out of there. No more pedicures. Ever.

Two. I was literally the shyest child ever. I barely spoke to anyone who was not my mom or my dad at all if I could help it. So big family dinners with all extended family and everything was the scariest thing in the world. One night we went to my grandparents' house for a big huge dinner and I was nervous as can be. Right when my grandpa started to pray, all of a sudden the loudest.fart.ever. escaped my tiny three year old body. Everyone laughed and I started bawling and hid upstairs for the next hour out of embarrasment. It's now fondly referred to as The Classic.

Three. To help me prepare for growing up mom had gotten me a few books about changing bodies and such because I was showing some early signs of puberty and had already had to have The Talk which I didn't fully comprehend. I was a smart kid so mom didn't really read the books before giving them to me assuming I would be ok with them. She had always said I could ask her anything, which I fully believed. One of the books mentioned something about the dangers of anal sex, and I had basically no clue what that meant. So after school one day, I casually said, "Mom, I have a question. What's anal sex?" Needless to say all future books were proofread carefully before being placed in my hands.

Four. Fast forward to college, freshman year, first few weeks, and me in a new city where I know no one. I was going to eat with a few of the people who lived in my dorm building, trying very hard to seem cool and not nearly as naive as I really was, and not paying attention--bad idea when you are as clumsy as I am. You know those folded signs they have all over the place in front of stores and for event parking? Well there was a very large one right in the middle of the sidewalk in a highly visible location, but I was trying to be cool and make eye contact with my hopeful new friends, so I didn't see it. I walked into it, and did a front flip landing straight on my face. Very uncool. Lots of people saw it. I had bruises all over for a week.

Five. I have a big butt. I've mentioned it before in refashion posts that it has to be carefully considered while making new clothes. I have literally one pencil skirt that fits. Just one. So I wore it last week knowing I had a big meeting for a very cool project we are working on and I wanted to look professional and fashionable. The meeting went great, and at the end, I stood up to shake hands goodbye, and I heard an almost cartoonish ripping sound behind me. I carefully took a back hallway to my office, shut the door, and turned my skirt around, and discovered it had torn ALL the way up to the waistband. All. The. Way. I did as much damage control as possible with safety pins, went and told my boss so I could go home and change, and after she laughed for a good ten minutes, she said "Now you can go home and tell Drew you strip at work!"

So there you go. My top five most embarrassing moments. Linking up with Carolina Charm today with this one...hi, you who found me through this link up...please read my other posts so you can see I'm not always this lame.

What are your most embarrassing moments? (you have to tell me one...I just told you about farting at dinner and baring my butt in the office)